Everything plays a part.
Dance. The career I have chosen.
Eating. Not Eating.
Covering it up. Hiding and pretending.
Using it as an excuse.
Never being allowed to use it as an excuse.
I want to strip it all back. To be bare to the world, to myself.
Open, exposed, truthful and honest.
SK!N (pt 3)
Genetics for one.
I’m getting older and so is my body.
I want to look after myself and protect the case that carries me around this world every day.
I want to cherish and be grateful for all it facilitates.
I am breathing, I am healthy.
My shell protects me.
I water, nourish, and protect it too.
One for one.
It’s only fair, after 23 years of moulding.
I have no doubt that it will continue to move, contort, and shift away from its current design.
A reminder: THAT IS OKAY.
If my mindset can change and grow with it, then I know I will be proud of who I have become.
Of all that I have done and can do.
I challenge myself physically every day.
Not excessively, although sometimes I could do more.
Training as a dancer, I had to work on my alignment.
I was trying to twist and push and pull and squeeze my body into an uncomfortable, narrow mould.
Through dance, I have been able to alter my bones and build stronger muscles that hold new shapes.
If I stop, it will only get worse and ruin all the work I have done thus far.
I now realise my aim is not perfection, for what is that anyway?
My aim is structural stability. Strength. Happiness within myself. To cut myself out of the vicious
cycle that is comparing myself to others. So that one day soon, I’ll have made peace with it all. I’ll
have found comfort in my own SK!N.
I'm being spoiled to a good view.
Tight butts and muscles are the sprinkle on top of my soya filter. I sit and contemplate possible interactions and conversations.
I am a romanticist.
My heart and my brain are one.
They connect and dream up big plans and ideas for my future.
My heart won't settle for less and my head will be my constant reminder to never leave the cloud.
Too much at stake.
so many sliding doors.
Never be made to feel lesser than, again.
Projected from the creases
Interestingly, I found my right boob easier and quicker to draw than my face…. Maybe because I see my face every day. I wash it, moisturise it, cover it up, and cleanse it to look better so I struggle to draw what is truly there? I had to draw my ribs, my dodgy, uneven, ribs that I try tirelessly every class to disguise. We are constantly seeking perfection for which there is none. Staring back at my drawing I feel slightly detached. I recognise aspects but I would not parade it around with a sense of joy and pride. It is me, after all, but truly how much is real?
How comfortable are we in our own skin?
How comfortable can we truly be in a society that’s relentless in highlighting what’s ‘wrong’ with us?
Deliberating makes us question our self-worth. Constant comparison makes us inwardly harbour our
negativity. It’s poisonous, but we drink it all up.
They want us to feel bad, to want to change ourselves, just so we buy their products. We despair, we
invest, but only they profit.
So again, this poses the ultimate question- can we ever actually be at ease within our bodies?
I’ve always been uncomfortable in a bikini, in front of friends, family and even total strangers.
All because I have been trained to adjust, to fix, to change, to suck it in. All because of a flat chest,
big bum, cellulite, thighs that touch, a lower belly that isn’t flat, scoliosis, curved shoulders,
I am conditioned to want to change the aforementioned, to have the “perfect” body. I also know
that will never happen. It’s not for lack of trying, it’s simply because it doesn’t fully exist.
Instead, let’s make it our mission to embrace what we have and take our focus off what we don’t
currently possess. Maybe once we face our flaws, we can be content in living with, or in them. We’ll
see them for what they are- strange and beautiful reminders that we are only human.
The Year of a new beginning.
The year I discover myself in a brand new situation.
A continuation of my path. A path I have been working towards since I was 3.
Although that was not clear to baby Rachel at the time.
It was fun. Full of boogie, bounce and trying.
I must never forget this!
Dance is my one true love and of course with every relationship we will go through hardships but the love is always there. Ready to rekindle when it is looking a bit tired.
My love let us step together into the unknown with our eyes wide open.
So, I am sorry.
I have neglected you.
I haven't written in so long. I have been stuck in fast forward, in this life.
The London Life as they call it with no pauses, breathes or glances upwards.
This fog of illusion that makes everyone appear successful or to be never doing enough. I though I escaped this mentality but I was sorely reminded upon the arrival of familiar Robins who visited me and bared their red chests to the world.
To the strange normalities the robots in suits possess.
The zipped mouths and fear to ever slip out a slight element of joy.